Chapter 17: When We Fall For The Flaws

Some couples say, I love everything about them, exactly as they are. The truth runs deeper. We do not love everything. We also fall for what hurts us.

A woman loves a man who cannot speak his feelings, because somewhere inside she hopes that for the first time in her life someone will see her without picking her apart.

A man loves a woman who flares from zero to full storm, because deep down he dreams of calming tempests, perhaps because no one calmed his when he was a child.

We are drawn not only to each other, but to each other's wounds.

Another scene.

Late in the kitchen. A quiet that does not bother. Coffee untouched for an hour.

She says, I feel I am always chasing your attention.

He answers softly, I do not know how to be present without feeling I am under a test. When I fear I am not enough, I freeze.

Then the moment of truth lands. They see they are hurt by the very place they loved.

She loved his quiet, and after marriage learned how far he can vanish into it.

He loved her fire, and after closeness learned how easily she burns and burns others.

This is not a mistake of person. It is that our falling in love knew exactly where the wound still seeks healing.

Where couples stumble:

when they try to change each other

when they try to erase the part that hurt

when they treat a flaw as a defect in the shared life rather than a place to work wisely

when they believe, if you loved me, you would change

Love was not made to erase the wound. It was made to write a different ending to it.

A short dialogue that changes much:

She: I am not angry that you do not speak in high emotion. I just need to know you are with me even when you are quiet.

He: I am not asking you to put out your fire. I only need a place where I will not get burned.

Suddenly the lines are simple. No one has to win. We have to understand.

A practice that saves bonds

Each writes for themselves, not for the partner:

What did I fall in love with at the start

When does that very part begin to hurt me

What did I truly need in that moment behind the anger

Not, stop shouting.

Not, speak feelings.

But:

I need to know I matter.

I need to know I am safe.

I need to feel I am not on trial.

I need to feel I will not be left.

Here a new talk begins. No accusations. No tests. No, if you loved me. Just two people touching the truth in one another.

Love was not born to fix us, but it is the place where an old pain can end differently.

We do not fall in love with flaws. We fall in love with the chance that through them our deepest hope will be fulfilled: to be seen, to be received, and for the other to stay.

Written by Enoch Segal. Published by The Celestial Guide.